As I pack up my bag with my stethoscope in one hand and laptop in the other, I think about how much of my life revolves around this.
Spending 10 hours a day studying, I am unsure if I can make my grandma’s 88th birthday. I have an exam the next day. I spend all day learning to save someone else’s life, while letting mine slip through my fingers.
I can prioritize my life after the exam, after next week, after boards, after rotations, after residency.
Someone once gave me advice: you suffer for 10 years, to enjoy the next 20.
It did not sit well with me. Why can’t I enjoy all 30, and more?
We talk about wellness with patients but neglect our own. We eat fast food and chug caffeine to have more time studying. We pull all nighters to do research and extracurriculars. Then we tell our patients they need eight or more hours of sleep.
I see another news article about a medical student who took their own life. Why does it have to be like this? Who decided this was okay?
I am watching a lecture video where I learn that the 5 year survival rate for lung cancer is 15%.
I do not think I will ever forget this moment.
I realize I forgot to respond to my grandma’s text a few days ago; I was too busy studying. I do the math. It has been two years already since her diagnosis. The statistics tell me time is not on my side. I cannot wait until after boards or rotations or residency.
I will attend my grandma’s birthday party, I have decided. My life cannot wait. I am not going to let these 10 years pass by. I do not have that time; my grandma does not have that time. For better or worse, there is no pause button.
I tell my mom the 15% survival statistic. I tell her I will make it to the birthday party.
Someday I will be trained to save someone else’s life, but for now, I need to work on saving mine.
I wrote this piece while studying for boards, and trying to manage my time and family commitments. I still think about this experience all the time, and I hope it can inspire other medical students to prioritize mental health and to spend time with important people throughout their medical journey.
Image credit: Custom artwork by the author for this Mosaic in Medicine piece.
Nurse Contributing Writer
Ohio University Heritage College of Osteopathic Medicine
Taylor Selby is a third year medical student at Ohio University Heritage College of Osteopathic Medicine. In her free time, she enjoys tennis, painting, and spending time with her family, friends, and puppies.
